The Amazing Adventures of Archibald Esq.

Silicone Walnuts, California Style

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The Winnipeg Sun reported on the creator of doggy testicular implants for dogs (and cats and other animals). Greg Miller, creator of Neuticles, admits he pampers his dog. And yes. Anyone who buys his services for their dogs must be said to pamper their dogs. Miller’s boxer Winston has his food warmed up, is given nothing but chilled bottled water (!!!), and has over $5,000.00 worth of toys. It goes without saying that Winston was gifted with a pair of fake testicles — Neuticles — after he was neutered a few years ago.

“The things I do to spoil Winston, you’d think I was nuts, no pun intended,” says Miller. “But it’s become our culture to accept emasculation of our pets as normal. Turning our pets into little eunuchs has become acceptable.”

Miller was awarded the spoof Ig Nobel Prize in the medicine category at Harvard University two years ago for his invention. And whatever you and your Freudian friends might mutter about ‘projection’ and a distorted ‘reality principle,’ Miller insists that a dog’s self-esteem suffers when his testicles are removed. He says the same goes for cats, bulls and horses; cynics would say he’s just trying to expand his client base. I mean, can you even see a cat’s fava beans?

“The pet would know if his nose, tail or foot got cut off — why wouldn’t he know a familiar body part that he’s kept clean and played with up until now is now missing?”

Since Miller, 54, and his vet developed Neuticles 13 years ago, he says more than 225,000 animals have been implanted with them, including a handful in Canada. The implants are available in various sizes and degrees of firmness (neuticles.com).

Vets at Toronto’s Morningside Animal Clinic implanted Neuticles in a pit bull terrier, Dr. Carl Porter says. “People tend to like the appearance of an intact dog in some of those breeds,” Porter says. “We put one set in, but … we don’t get requests for it very often. It’s a little different.”

The Canadian Veterinary Medical Association classifies Neuticles as cosmetic surgery, something it’s opposed to — along with ear and tail cropping.

The vast majority of the fake cojones end up in dogs, but Miller says he sells a feline pair on average once a day and just sent off a pair of “really huge ones — 51/2-inchers” to Pennsylvania for a stallion.

Well, here’s one hound who has no intention to call on Mr Miller’s services. My goal in life is to keep my walnuts and stay intact. My second goal in life is to find a snazzy bitch, for fun and romps and possible romance.

Awoof! Archie

Posted 27 Jul 07